A Letter to Loved Ones

Thank God…that I have God.

I am not stone. I do feel. I have a heart that beats just like yours.
I smile. I cry. I scream. I laugh. I hug tight and kiss.
I also kneel and raise my hands high. I close my eyes tight.
I speak. But only when I have something to say.
Something that won’t hurt or hinder. Something good.
I do slip up sometimes. No, I’m not perfect. I never said I was.
I’ve had dreams, hopes. And I’ve had disappointments.
I have fears, too. I have worry. But I also know peace.
I knew shame. I knew anger. I knew bitterness.
But I gave it away, and was given peace in return.
No, that doesn’t mean that I don’t still hurt.
My heart still breaks. It aches and groans, and it shatters.
But I know that it will always be put back together.
It stretches, grows, and it trusts.
It’s been through alot, and it’ll go through more.
But I always know that everything will work out in the end.
I don’t know exactly what you’re going through.
But maybe, if you gave me the chance, I’d had something to offer you.
Encouragement, advice, an anectdote or testimony.
Something to help you through. Something to help you grow.
I could be there for you. I could be your shoulder to cry on.
I do care for you. I won’t leave. I won’t reject you or abandon you.
You can trust me. I won’t tell your secrets. I won’t look down on you.
You can open up to me. Th world will not cease to exist.
You will not explode. I won’t run away screaming.
My jaw won’t drop to the floor. I won’t yell or scream or scold
I’m here. I’m waiting, non-judgemental; full of love.

I understand that you’re busy.
I get that you still want a relationship. I want that too.
I’ll answer any question you have to the best of my ability.
I’ll be honest, and I’ll do my best to answer in love.
I’ll try to get in touch with you. I’ll put myself out there.
I’m not afraid and I don’t hate you. I love you.
I don’t look down on you, for any reason. I love you.
I’m sorry we’re not close. That’s just the way things worked out.
And I’m sorry if you’re offended that I’m closer to other people.
They’re the people God put in my life, to help me.
To love me, to guide me. To show me what love looks like.
So I could reach out to you and show you.
They’re the people that have been there for me.
As busy as they go out of their way to spend time with me.
They sacrifice themselves for me. They open up to me.
They share with me. We laugh together, and we cry together.
We pray for each other, sincerely. We trust each other.
They are patient, they are kind.
They’re not jealous or proud or boastful.
They’re not selfish or easily angered.
They keep no records of things done wrong to them.
They’re happy with the truth.
They always protect, trust, hope, and perservere.
They teach me and they love me. They’re not perfect either.
And I’m okay with imperfection, just so you know.

Yes, I still love you.
No matter what you did or will do, I always will.
You don’t have to keep trying to explain.
I understand where you’re coming from.
Chances are, I’ve been there too before I knew God.
I know you just want to be happy.
I understand. I really do. I want you to be happy too.
I just wish you could find real happiness.
I wish you could realize that this won’t work for long.
I’m not trying to discount your feelings, not at all.
I will support you and love you no matter your decisions.
With me, you can always have forgiveness.
I just hate to see you struggle each day. I hate seeing you unhappy.
I hate seeing you frustrated, bored, and lost.
I hate knowing that you think these things define you.
You are SO much more than the things you own or what you wear.
Who you’re with, where you work, or what you’ve done.
I wish we could talk about things other than gossip and complaints.
I hope someday we can. I hope someday that we’ll be close.
That you’ll realize how amazing you are. How beautiful.
That you’ll finally see how much you have to offer.
And that you’ll know where it all came from.

I never thought you didn’t pray. But I also never heard you say that you did.
I don’t know you well at all. You’ve never really let me past the surface.
We’ve never talked about God. I’m not sure if you know Him.
Either way, I hope someday you know Him better. I hope that for everyone.
I hope you experience His love. I hope you become friends with Him.
That you realize all He has to offer, and all He’s already given you.
I hope that you let Him heal you and your heart.
I hope that dig into His word, and realize how beautiful it is.
I hope that you meet others who love Him, too.
That you let them help you, and pray for you. That you grow.
That you realize what a gift each day truly is.
That you can affect others lives like they will affect yours.
I hope you can experience what it’s like to lift your heart and your hands…
And recieve so much in return, from a God that’s crazy in love with you.
From a God that wants to give you everything.
A God that is always there for you, to protect you, heal you, and love you.
I hope we can talk about it. Laugh about it, cry about it.
I hope we can hug and hold tight. That we can share and connect.

I hope that you know how much I love you, and always will.

I thank God for you. For putting you in my life.
For what He’s done for you, and what He will do.
For what He’s given me and what He’s done for us.
I thank God…for God.

He’s my life, my world.
He’s my purpose, my love.
My teacher, my Father.
I put my life in His hands.
I live for Him.
If you nothing else about me…

I’d hope that would be enough.

The Wild One Whose Image We Bear

               [Now—is Jesus more like Mother Teresa or William Wallace? The answer is…it depends. If you’re a leper, an outcast, a pariah of society whom no one has ever touched because you are “unclean,” if all you have ever longed for is just one kind word, then Christ is the incarnation of tender mercy. He reaches out and touches you. On the other hand, if you’re a Pharisee, one those self-appointed doctrine police…watch out.]

                Indignant because Jesus had healed on the Sabbath, the synagogue leader said to the people, “There are six days for work. So come and be healed on those days, not on the Sabbath.” The Lord answered him, You hypocrites! Doesn’t each of you on the Sabbath untie your ox or donkey from the stall and lead it out to give it water? Then should not this woman, a daughter of Abraham, whom Satan has kept bound for eighteen long years, be set free on the Sabbath day from what bound her?”  When he said this, all his opponents were humiliated, but the people were delighted with all the wonderful things he was doing.

(Luke 13:14-17)

                “Christ draws the enemy out, exposes him for what he is, and shames him in front of everyone. The Lord is a gentleman??? Not if you’re in the service of his enemy. God has a battle to fight, and the battle is for our freedom.”

                “The war horse, the stallion, embodies the fierce heart of his Maker. And so do we; every man is “a stem of that victorious stock.”  

“Do you give the horse its strength
or clothe its neck with a flowing mane?
Do you make it leap like a locust,
striking terror with its proud snorting?
It paws fiercely, rejoicing in its strength,
and charges into the fray.
It laughs at fear, afraid of nothing;
it does not shy away from the sword.
The quiver rattles against its side,
along with the flashing spear and lance.
In frenzied excitement it eats up the ground;
it cannot stand still when the trumpet sounds.
At the blast of the trumpet it snorts, ‘Aha!’
It catches the scent of battle from afar,
the shout of commanders and the battle cry.

(Job 39:19-25) 

                [It then occurred to me that after God made all this, he pronounced it good, for heaven’s sake. It’s his way of letting us know he rather prefers adventure, danger, risk, the element of surprise. This whole creation is unapologetically wild. /…/ No doubt the biggest risk of all was when he gave angels and men free will, including the freedom to reject him—not just once, but every single day. /…/ And he doesn’t walk away from the mess we’ve made it. Now he lives, almost cheerfully, certainly heroically, in a dynamic relationship with us and with our world.]

“God seems to fly in the face of all caution.”

                [Do you know why God loves writing such incredible stories? Because he loves to come through. He loves to show us he has what it takes.]

                [He is a jealous lover, and his jealousy is for the hearts of his people and for their freedom.]

                [God wants to be loved. /…/ God wants to be wanted. And certainly we see that God wants not merely an adventure, but an adventure to share. /…/ And yes, God has a beauty to unveil.]

                [A man needs to be tender at times, and a woman will sometimes need to be fierce. But if a man is only tender, we know something is deeply wrong, and if a woman is only fierce, we sense she is not what she was meant to be.]

                [The vast desire and capacity a woman has for intimate relationships tells us of God’s vast desire and capacity for intimate relationships. In fact, this may be the most important things we ever learn about God—that he yearns for relationship with us.]

Reflect

Sometimes, mind you it’s very rare, but sometimes I need the soft glow of the alarm clock at the end of my bed. It glares out at me and lays a thin blanket of light over each surface opposing it. Each and every surface that pushes back against the light ends up reflecting it off in one way or another. Bright and dull, a glare, a haze; it all reflects the glow, creating the illumination around me. I suppose even in the darkest situations in life, God finds a way for the light to win out and reflect life into any situation.
I guess you just have to open your eyes…

Parts

I wonder, if it had been me in that hospital bed, how different would the situation have been? My unsaved family wouldn’t be praying and singing worship music by my side. How many would be praying for me? I would have a worried fiancée by my side, praying. A few people from here and there: my church, my Aunt’s church, CFC, Richville, Vorea; sure, they’d probably be praying. Maybe they’d even set up a prayer meeting for me. But would I really ever hope to have made such a difference that I’d have over six thousand Christians world-wide praying for my recovery? My resurrection?

Something like this makes one contemplate how much of an impact they’ve made. My parents don’t know the church. It’s just me. I’ve never been able to go on a mission’s trip. I’ve never been able to make a difference in that way. I never had the opportunity to run a life group or Bible study at college. I never led worship, or played on the worship team. I haven’t led such a robust and thriving life. My life is quieter. My life is different. I stay behind the scenes. I work hard, but in secret. My work is not known. I don’t try to hide my talents but mostly people just don’t take notice. I am not ashamed. I love my God with all my heart, as I will tell anyone if they ask. I help anyone that asks if it’s possible for me to. I run myself ragged trying to help others. But it’s always behind the scenes. A talk here, a listen there; A ride to church, and free lunch, company on a bad night, a phone call, a walk, a drive, advice or encouragement. I’ll be there if I can. God-willing, I’ll be there.

But I am quiet, as is my life. I love my Lord and others. I tell them of His love for me and the miracles He’s worked in my life. I tell them how it can be different for them. I invite them to meet my church family. I invite them to a different sort of life, because I know where they are. I was there once too. It was before I knew there was another way to live. It was before I gazed upon a different sort of life, different sorts of families. These families surrounded me, all of life’s problems bearing down on them, just as any other family, but theirs was filled with love. Love for God, and love for each other. I saw couples together, and they didn’t fight or cheat. I saw youth that didn’t swear or lie or drink.

For the longest time I just stood in amazement of these new sights. I felt like a child walking through the Smithsonian. But then I heard the stories; stories of their bang-ups and hang-ups before. Before what? I heard of people with violent pasts, the used and abused, the hurt and neglected, the angry, the lonely, the bitter, the bound; prisoners, addicts, murders, rapists, the forgetful and the forgotten. That was them before, yes before God reached down and took them firmly by the shoulders, shook them and said, “I’m here, and I love you. Oh, how I love you.” I’ve know and met and fellowshipped with all sorts of people, and through it God has showed me that, whether you come from a Christian family raised in the church, or if your past is something almost too terrible to speak of, His plan for you is the same. It is love. It is joy. It is peace and hope in Him. For we are saved by faith, through grace, not by works, and we are all royalty in His Kingdom. We are all His children.

I sometimes wonder why I put so much value on what others think of me. No, I’m not like David. I’m much quieter. I live behind the scenes. That is me. That is how God made me. I know in my heart that I have impacted lives, even if it’s not as noticable to others. I know it and God knows it. We are all part of the same body of Christ. We have different functions. We need each other. Not one of us is useless, or of less value than the other. We each play our part even if, sometimes, we may not be very noticable, we’re there. We’re there, and we’re pulling for Heavens shore. Someday, when I fly on up and gaze out upon His Kingdom for the first time, and see His beautiful face, I’ll hear, “Well done, good and faithful servant” too. Let’s keep running until then. Let’s keep changing and growing and loving. Let’s keep pushing and pulling and impacting.

We’re on our way home, Lord. We’re on our way.

And

I

Pray

David Camp

David Camp was in a car accident on 6/16/2010.

Prophecies have been spoken over his life. We believe they will be fulfilled.
He was scheduled to be taken off life support on Friday, 6/18, after being declared brain dead. But God worked miracles. His blood pressure raised, he was starting to move, and his liver and kidney that had failed were starting to do better. He was looking better and doing better. They removed the ultimatum and he continued to fight as we continued to pray.
Today, Sunday, he began having seizures. Tonight, his heart has stopped. We’re praying for a ressurection for him. God’s got big plans for him. He’s not done here yet. Almost 6000 people have joined the facebook group alone, in prayer for him, spanning all over the world. The US, Asia, South America, and Africa. People from all over the world joined together in prayer for this man of God.

Keep praying for him and his family.

Lord, in Jesus name, bring him back. Wake him up. Heal him.
Heal his warrior heart. Rise up, David. Rise up and give God the glory.
Rise up…

David Camp passed away this morning. God took him back home and I know that someday will see him again. I honestly can’t remember if I ever had the privilege of meeting him in person but my heart aches and breaks for his parents, for Courtney, who loved him with everything she had, and his friends and family. I can’t express how much I was moved by the group online. With merely two-hundred members at first, then increasing past six thousand in a just a few days, people all of over this wide and divided world joined together in prayer for him. But, of course, that was just the online forum. I’m confident that this young man touched the lives of thousands more in his time here on earth.

I stayed up late last night after hearing that his heart had stopped. I prayed and I worshipped. I don’t remember another single time in which God has placed something so heavily on my heart. I wonder if when He was about to bring David home, He dug in His heels and whispered to us, “I’m sorry kids, but it’s for the best. Trust me.” I wonder if He had to brace Himself for this event. But our Lord does know best and I’m sure that through this He will work more miracles then we could possibly imagine. I don’t understand everything. I would never claim to. I wouldn’t claim to understand why so many prophecies were spoken over David’s life, and we see them now as empty. I don’t understand why God would take away someone doing so much for the Kingdom. I don’t understand why He would leave so many people in heartache.

I don’t understand, but I know God does.
And in that, I have peace. Peace that I hope spread out to David’s loved ones and those who loved him.

Love, Me

Each day is more tiring than the last.
My muscles have gone past aching into just hurting. I have a sharp pain up the left side of my neck and head. I had a lump there too. They didn’t really test for anything. Makes me wonder. I had another seizure Sunday at church. I shouldn’t have gone. I knew it when the alarm went off.

*BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP*

My body was screaming no. Deny my body? I want prayer. I want fellowship. I want worship. It screamed, “NO, NO!” and I screamed shut up. Even after I threw up. A simple “We’re good.” and a stroll out the door. I could barely walk. Everything tilts and twists all the time. My legs are always Jell-O. But I went. I sat. I spaced and I seized.
There was fear, and pain, and embarassment. Confusion.

Why? Why God?
I’d been doing great with You. I’d had a breakthrough. That bondage crap is gone for me!

They kept talking to me about that. Bondage. Spiritual bondage. That’s all I remember. That word. Over and over and over, from different people. Hands on me. Pain, tightness.

“.a.iiie…..dajf…..Bondage…and…love…you need..a.lfjsj….no more bondage…blahhhkdlf…lsjf…s.afs.j…”
IN and OUT…IN and out…

I was trying to pray in my head. Trying to pray. But they kept saying that word and I kept thinking…Hey guys, I’m not feelin’ it. Not really at all. Sorry. But they kept talking and they kept praying against this bondage that doesn’t exist.

I trust You more than ever now, God. Right now.
I’m sick, weak, and things are so busy. But I trust You.
I guess it just doesn’t show to them as much as to You.
You see me. You see me Holy…

Love,

-Me

Pienso…Deseo

__________Finally, something of a breakthrough. It didn’t happen during worship, or the sermon, or even during communion. I had to sleep on it and think on it. I took communion without thinking and it wasn’t until the next day that I let You deal with me. Stranded in a small town, after working with that pencil for an hour, I thought and thought some more in my own little zone. I worked until my brain had mulled it all over too much and I couldn’t take it anymore. I left and walked the streets that I knew well enough. What a beautiful spring day. The trees are in bloom. The brilliance of pink and purple floating through the air, budding each branch. The grass, so green. The air so fresh, so clean.
__________I breathed it in. I breathed it out. I made my decision. I choose to forgive them…for…it made me feel…I choose to forgive them. I listed it all out to You. One after the other after the other, my heart sincere. I relived each event and gave it to You. I laid it all at the foot of that cross and they were gone. Thorn by thorn plucked from my heart, pressure released from my lungs, and I could breathe easier with this confession to You. I’m sorry that I thought…I’m sorry that I believed…I’m sorry that I did…I’m sorry.

Forgive me.

__________You lifted weight by weight from my shoulders. You gave me wings in that moment. I slept soundly, a miracle, and woke today to walk out to another beautiful day that You’ve given. I forgave them. You forgave me. So why do I keep running through these things in my head? All the things I want to say to them, to him, to her.

__________Are we okay? What do I have to do to fix it? What can I say to make it better? Won’t you forgive me…I’m sorry. It was so long ago now. I don’t know how to make it better. I can’t believe that this is how things were meant to be…

__________Can’t you see what you’re doing? You know it’s wrong. You both do. I just wish things could be the way they used to be, but I know they can’t. I wish you the best. I’ll pray for you both. I’ll always love you.

__________Why would say that? Right in front of me? Is it some cruel joke? It hurts that you don’t understand, that you don’t know Him like I do. That you don’t know Him at all. I wish you understood; for your sake, and your children’s sake. I wish they knew Him, too.

__________It hurts to watch you go through life with no real love. I hate watching you gossip. I hate watching you struggle. I hate seeing you with no hope. I hate seeing you hurt. I pray for you to find Him. To realize what He wants to do with you and your life. How He wants to heal you. Love you.

__________I’m not your babysitter. I brought you here to be with God. I want to be with God. You can be more than three inches from me. Can’t you focus on Him and not me?

__________Don’t you understand what you’re doing? How you’re hurting them? I know you respect them. So why don’t you listen to them? They love you.

__________How can you play with fire and be so carefree about it? It could go so wrong if you let it keep going. You’ll regret it if you let it go too far. He’s saved you countless times already. Don’t you see that? I don’t want you to get hurt…

__________You need to forgive yourself before you can do anything else…before you can help anyone else. He’s already forgiven you. You need to forgive yourself. Let go. Be free.

__________I’m sorry for how I’ve acted. I’m sorry I can’t tell you everything. I don’t want to whine to you, it just all builds up inside sometimes. I’m sorry if I bug you all the time. I’m not around Christians that often. I’m sorry that I avoid you. It hurts seeing a Christian family…from a distance, never feeling like I’ll be a part of it. Sometimes it’s just easier if I separate from it. From you. You’re a blessing, you really are…I love you, truly. Thank you for all you’ve done.

__________I hate seeing you caged, like an animal. I hate seeing how content you are with it. I pray against your apathy. I pray for you to meet Him, and feel His love, and want to live again.

__________I wish you believed. I wish His word wasn’t just a bunch of ‘nice stories’ to you. I wish His love was real to you. I pray for it every day. For you to see what you’re missing. For you to feel again. Call me stupid. Bring me down. I’ll give it to Him. I still want you to be proud of me. I’m doing my best. I’m trying hard. I wish you’d just tell me that you’re proud. But until that day, I know He’s proud of me. I know He loves me.

__________I’m here when you need me. I’m here to listen, to make you smile and make you laugh. I’m here to give you a ride where you need to go, to show you love and encourage you. To tell you it’ll be okay. To give you advice. I’m here, even if as soon as it’s over, you’re not. I’ll be here when you get back.

__________I’m sorry I’m not as fun as they are. I’m sorry I haven’t known you as long as they have. I’m sorry we don’t have as many inside jokes or good memories. I’m sorry we don’t have that connection, but I just want you to know that I consider you family. A brother. A sister. A mother. You’re family to me, even if I don’t mean that much to you. I want you to know that you’re the world to me…

__________I don’t mean to be quiet around you. But you don’t know me that well. I’m so much more than that. So much more than you see…

__________I know You’re always proud of me. That You’re always there. I do my best and pray and pray more for them. My heart aches and breaks for them, captive in their own worlds. My hearts urns to know them better. To love and be loved. I know I shouldn’t put as much importance on the love they give back as I do. I know that You should always be enough. But I can’t feel you all the time. I stretch and reach and try to grow. I grasp at straws. I keep trying. I keep putting myself out there. I try to trust. I try to walk it all out.
__________I’m not meant to be where I am. I should be happy. I’m grateful for all You’ve given me, but I’m not where I’m supposed to be. It was all everything I wanted. Everything I wanted. It’s not what I was called to do. I can feel that restlessness growing each day. I stare out to the horizon. You break my heart for them. For all those who don’t know you. I want to tell them. I want to love them. I want to show them You. I’m called to it. But here I stay, through obedience. I just wonder if my obedience is in the right place? I don’t understand anymore.
__________I cleared my head. I cleared my conscience. You cleaned my heart and You guard my mind. This desire You’ve put in me can’t be meant for nothing. I don’t know how to walk it out. Are there steps? They see me as quiet and shy. They see me as I am on Sunday morning.

Isn’t church supposed to be for the weary, where they get strength?
Isn’t it supposed to be for the sick, to be healed?
Isn’t it supposed to be time for You and me to talk?
Isn’t it supposed to be time to rest in Your grace?
Isn’t it supposed to be time to confess, repent, and start new?
I thought it was a retreat…a hospital…a memorial service for You.

__________Should I be all smiles and sunshine when I go? If I’m not always happy, does that make me less able to be part of the team? Should I put on a fake face just so you’ll think I’m ready to go on a mission’s trip?
__________I go there to learn and to listen. I go there for a family reunion, even if I feel like I’m only part of the family when I’m there. I go there to be part of the team.
__________I go to church every Sunday morning, on my own. I go to every prayer meeting I can make it to. Most of them don’t see me as the first up for worship at the youth revivals. They don’t see me when I pray for strangers. They don’t see me reaching out to others. They don’t hear me telling my testimony to a friend in need. I’ve helped in children’s church when asked. I’ll help clean up if asked. I wanted to do Foundations, but had to work every night. I help out with youth revivals at another church. I pray for others. I get words for others. I worship. I witness and bring others to church every chance I get. I love God and Christ more than life itself. But they can’t see me as anything but that quiet girl in the back.

They don’t see me like you do.
No one does, no one can.
How I wish they understood.
How I wish they could know me.
If I were to change…
To listen less and talk more…
To jump and yell during worship…
To preach on the street corners…
If I were to change…
I wouldn’t be me.
I’m happy with me.
I wish they could see the real me.
I wish they could understand.

Deseo…que me conocía como me tú me conoces.
Lo siento, para todos. Perdoname, por favor.

Te amo.

Everything

Again

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)

I love the way that your heart breaks
with every injustice and deadly fate
Praying it all be new
and living like it all depends on you

Here you are down on your knees again
trying to find air to breathe again
Only surrender will help you now
I love you please see and believe again

I love that you’re never satisfied
with face value wisdom and happy lies
You take what they say and go back and cry
You’re so close to me that you nearly died

Here you are down on your knees again
trying to find air to breathe again
Only surrender will help you now
I love you please see and believe again

They don’t have to understand you
Be still
Wait and know I understand you
Be still

Here you are down on your knees again
trying to find air to breathe again
Only surrender will help you now
The floodgates are breaking
and pouring out

Here you are down on your knees again
trying to find air to breathe again
Right where I want you to be again
See and believe!

[Flyleaf]

“Cast all your cares on him because he cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:7)

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