Pienso…Deseo
__________I breathed it in. I breathed it out. I made my decision. I choose to forgive them…for…it made me feel…I choose to forgive them. I listed it all out to You. One after the other after the other, my heart sincere. I relived each event and gave it to You. I laid it all at the foot of that cross and they were gone. Thorn by thorn plucked from my heart, pressure released from my lungs, and I could breathe easier with this confession to You. I’m sorry that I thought…I’m sorry that I believed…I’m sorry that I did…I’m sorry.
Forgive me.
__________You lifted weight by weight from my shoulders. You gave me wings in that moment. I slept soundly, a miracle, and woke today to walk out to another beautiful day that You’ve given. I forgave them. You forgave me. So why do I keep running through these things in my head? All the things I want to say to them, to him, to her.
__________Are we okay? What do I have to do to fix it? What can I say to make it better? Won’t you forgive me…I’m sorry. It was so long ago now. I don’t know how to make it better. I can’t believe that this is how things were meant to be…
__________Can’t you see what you’re doing? You know it’s wrong. You both do. I just wish things could be the way they used to be, but I know they can’t. I wish you the best. I’ll pray for you both. I’ll always love you.
__________Why would say that? Right in front of me? Is it some cruel joke? It hurts that you don’t understand, that you don’t know Him like I do. That you don’t know Him at all. I wish you understood; for your sake, and your children’s sake. I wish they knew Him, too.
__________It hurts to watch you go through life with no real love. I hate watching you gossip. I hate watching you struggle. I hate seeing you with no hope. I hate seeing you hurt. I pray for you to find Him. To realize what He wants to do with you and your life. How He wants to heal you. Love you.
__________I’m not your babysitter. I brought you here to be with God. I want to be with God. You can be more than three inches from me. Can’t you focus on Him and not me?
__________Don’t you understand what you’re doing? How you’re hurting them? I know you respect them. So why don’t you listen to them? They love you.
__________How can you play with fire and be so carefree about it? It could go so wrong if you let it keep going. You’ll regret it if you let it go too far. He’s saved you countless times already. Don’t you see that? I don’t want you to get hurt…
__________You need to forgive yourself before you can do anything else…before you can help anyone else. He’s already forgiven you. You need to forgive yourself. Let go. Be free.
__________I’m sorry for how I’ve acted. I’m sorry I can’t tell you everything. I don’t want to whine to you, it just all builds up inside sometimes. I’m sorry if I bug you all the time. I’m not around Christians that often. I’m sorry that I avoid you. It hurts seeing a Christian family…from a distance, never feeling like I’ll be a part of it. Sometimes it’s just easier if I separate from it. From you. You’re a blessing, you really are…I love you, truly. Thank you for all you’ve done.
__________I hate seeing you caged, like an animal. I hate seeing how content you are with it. I pray against your apathy. I pray for you to meet Him, and feel His love, and want to live again.
__________I wish you believed. I wish His word wasn’t just a bunch of ‘nice stories’ to you. I wish His love was real to you. I pray for it every day. For you to see what you’re missing. For you to feel again. Call me stupid. Bring me down. I’ll give it to Him. I still want you to be proud of me. I’m doing my best. I’m trying hard. I wish you’d just tell me that you’re proud. But until that day, I know He’s proud of me. I know He loves me.
__________I’m here when you need me. I’m here to listen, to make you smile and make you laugh. I’m here to give you a ride where you need to go, to show you love and encourage you. To tell you it’ll be okay. To give you advice. I’m here, even if as soon as it’s over, you’re not. I’ll be here when you get back.
__________I’m sorry I’m not as fun as they are. I’m sorry I haven’t known you as long as they have. I’m sorry we don’t have as many inside jokes or good memories. I’m sorry we don’t have that connection, but I just want you to know that I consider you family. A brother. A sister. A mother. You’re family to me, even if I don’t mean that much to you. I want you to know that you’re the world to me…
__________I don’t mean to be quiet around you. But you don’t know me that well. I’m so much more than that. So much more than you see…
__________I know You’re always proud of me. That You’re always there. I do my best and pray and pray more for them. My heart aches and breaks for them, captive in their own worlds. My hearts urns to know them better. To love and be loved. I know I shouldn’t put as much importance on the love they give back as I do. I know that You should always be enough. But I can’t feel you all the time. I stretch and reach and try to grow. I grasp at straws. I keep trying. I keep putting myself out there. I try to trust. I try to walk it all out.
__________I’m not meant to be where I am. I should be happy. I’m grateful for all You’ve given me, but I’m not where I’m supposed to be. It was all everything I wanted. Everything I wanted. It’s not what I was called to do. I can feel that restlessness growing each day. I stare out to the horizon. You break my heart for them. For all those who don’t know you. I want to tell them. I want to love them. I want to show them You. I’m called to it. But here I stay, through obedience. I just wonder if my obedience is in the right place? I don’t understand anymore.
__________I cleared my head. I cleared my conscience. You cleaned my heart and You guard my mind. This desire You’ve put in me can’t be meant for nothing. I don’t know how to walk it out. Are there steps? They see me as quiet and shy. They see me as I am on Sunday morning.
Isn’t church supposed to be for the weary, where they get strength?
Isn’t it supposed to be for the sick, to be healed?
Isn’t it supposed to be time for You and me to talk?
Isn’t it supposed to be time to rest in Your grace?
Isn’t it supposed to be time to confess, repent, and start new?
I thought it was a retreat…a hospital…a memorial service for You.
__________Should I be all smiles and sunshine when I go? If I’m not always happy, does that make me less able to be part of the team? Should I put on a fake face just so you’ll think I’m ready to go on a mission’s trip?
__________I go there to learn and to listen. I go there for a family reunion, even if I feel like I’m only part of the family when I’m there. I go there to be part of the team.
__________I go to church every Sunday morning, on my own. I go to every prayer meeting I can make it to. Most of them don’t see me as the first up for worship at the youth revivals. They don’t see me when I pray for strangers. They don’t see me reaching out to others. They don’t hear me telling my testimony to a friend in need. I’ve helped in children’s church when asked. I’ll help clean up if asked. I wanted to do Foundations, but had to work every night. I help out with youth revivals at another church. I pray for others. I get words for others. I worship. I witness and bring others to church every chance I get. I love God and Christ more than life itself. But they can’t see me as anything but that quiet girl in the back.
They don’t see me like you do.
No one does, no one can.
How I wish they understood.
How I wish they could know me.
If I were to change…
To listen less and talk more…
To jump and yell during worship…
To preach on the street corners…
If I were to change…
I wouldn’t be me.
I’m happy with me.
I wish they could see the real me.
I wish they could understand.
Deseo…que me conocía como me tú me conoces.
Lo siento, para todos. Perdoname, por favor.
Te amo.
