Love, Me

Each day is more tiring than the last.
My muscles have gone past aching into just hurting. I have a sharp pain up the left side of my neck and head. I had a lump there too. They didn’t really test for anything. Makes me wonder. I had another seizure Sunday at church. I shouldn’t have gone. I knew it when the alarm went off.

*BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP*

My body was screaming no. Deny my body? I want prayer. I want fellowship. I want worship. It screamed, “NO, NO!” and I screamed shut up. Even after I threw up. A simple “We’re good.” and a stroll out the door. I could barely walk. Everything tilts and twists all the time. My legs are always Jell-O. But I went. I sat. I spaced and I seized.
There was fear, and pain, and embarassment. Confusion.

Why? Why God?
I’d been doing great with You. I’d had a breakthrough. That bondage crap is gone for me!

They kept talking to me about that. Bondage. Spiritual bondage. That’s all I remember. That word. Over and over and over, from different people. Hands on me. Pain, tightness.

“.a.iiie…..dajf…..Bondage…and…love…you need..a.lfjsj….no more bondage…blahhhkdlf…lsjf…s.afs.j…”
IN and OUT…IN and out…

I was trying to pray in my head. Trying to pray. But they kept saying that word and I kept thinking…Hey guys, I’m not feelin’ it. Not really at all. Sorry. But they kept talking and they kept praying against this bondage that doesn’t exist.

I trust You more than ever now, God. Right now.
I’m sick, weak, and things are so busy. But I trust You.
I guess it just doesn’t show to them as much as to You.
You see me. You see me Holy…

Love,

-Me

~ by Sketch on May 18, 2010.